To bring you all up to speed on the topic, a few weeks ago I brought forth a wonderful piece (“wonderful” in the sense of the subject matter, NOT the “matter” of the subject, which is what we ingest on a daily basis) from a favorite website/blogger, Gerard Vanderleun and his American Digest. Today I present the oft-referred-to “Part Deux” .. oft-mentioned only because of other topics that came to the fore which thereby shuffled Part Deux to the back. To refresh your minds, you can update yourselves on Part One right here …

So onward to the conclusion of “You Are What You Eat…”

The next things not to make it into my shopping cart were the musical Tuna Medleys:


I did take one down and hold it to my ear to try and discern just what songs the tuna chunks were singing, but I couldn’t quite make it out. I also noted that, deep in the mountains of North Carolina, the “living in the shadows” population of illegal aliens had been spotlighted by Food Lion. Offerings of food favored by Mexicans took up fully half an aisle, with the following item asserting a kind of gastronomic assimilation we can only dream of.


Humm, Mayonesa-Mayonnaise. That’s one massive train wreck of Spanish-French-American cultural concepts contained in a single jar. I suppose that this is some sort of sauce designed to appeal to the demographic of WASP Mexicans, but I really can’t see why anyone in their right mind would whisk chipotle peppers into the otherwise palatable white-persons condiment of choice. Still the Food Lion constantly reminded me that I was not in Mexifornia but in the deep South. If I harbored any doubts in the Mexican aisle a few regional specialties the next aisle over brought me around.


I can’t even begin to imagine the tooth-fulness of these snacks and it is my profound wish that you would need to prove residency from birth in the South in order to be allowed to purchase them. But enough of what’s for dinner in Vague Food Lion. Better to ask, hey, what’s for lunch? Here too you can depend upon being suitably revolted. First up are various sandwich fillings like:


Say that slowly several times: “Liver….. cheese…. liver…. cheese….” It’s the kind of thought that would make a toddler contemplate suicide. Of course I did find a few things that you could slap on a Liver Cheese sandwich to improve it.

Things, and I do mean “things,” such as:


(Dubious even at the fabulous price of 99 cents!)

Other things such as:


(The one slice of potted meat to have if you’re having only one.)

Yet more things like the ever-popular:


(Which I am sure have never been within 6,000 miles of Vienna.)

And more gem things such as:


(Very small fish making for very small steaks in very small tins.) Now if you stack those altogether you will get some very distinct eating – especially if you slather them with some Chipotle Mayonesa-Mayonnaise. But what would be, in Vague Foodland, an appropriate item to put them between in order to make the ultimate vague food sandwich? Food Lion did not disappoint.

In the very next aisle I discovered, to my horror:


Yes, pre-cooked and pre-packaged waffles already infused with syrup. No effort required at all. Is this the age of miracles and wonders, or what? True, the conjoined twins of “De Wafelbakkers” might give you pause, but once you get past the potential of long mustache hairs getting into the batter, it’s all good. It’s more than all good, because with these syrup-soaked waffles wrapped around your sandwich, you are ready to choose from the vast selection of vague desserts offered.

These would include, but not be limited to:


“Ready to eat!” Yumm. Why bother with putting it in a crust when you can just pop the lid and dig in? Not to your taste?

Not to worry,there’s always:


This is an item that has a somewhat soft and flexible pastryesque shell surrounding a semi-solid and slick inner fluffed filling. The advantage of this item is that one can be eaten for dessert and the other saved for vague food emergencies. By this time you’re probably thinking, “Well, that’s just the natural depravity of the packaged foods industry. It can’t possibly represent the more natural inclinations of America’s current diet.” Well, you’re wrong. Because while I was fleeing from the Food Lion and the aisles of dead and vague food, I ran past the bakery counter touting “Fresh Baked Goodness.”

I paused long enough to snap a picture of the current cupcake offerings:


Now I don’t know about you but I tend to reject any food that is blue that doesn’t come with the word “berry” right after it. Not so the bakers of Food Lion it would seem. Having driven all thoughts of eating any thing from my mind, I left the Food Lion and fled back into the hills of North Carolina.

The last thing I photographed before leaving was this label:


The vaguest food of all. I bought three. After all, it was a good price.

And in closing – somewhat in honor of the Souse Loaf – here’s how it’s done (and this is the “mild version” without the Hog’s head – for the FULL version go here) and it’s all for y’all with stouter stomachs than mine .. 😉

Bottom line to all of this? You are – you ARE – what you eat. Like it or not …

(Anybody got any Tums?)